Go Ahead, Ask Me
By Katrina Hidalgo
What’s Your Story?
When I ride the train to go to work, I see people sitting across me. Sometimes, I observe for a little while and see some things that are usual but ironically strike me as unusual. I would see a person who is trying hard not to sleep but eventually loses the battle to stay conscious. Her head would swing side to side, front and back, back and forth. What’s your story? I would ask the person silently in my mind. Are you an exhausted working mother? Are you a migrant in this country? What’s your work like? I wonder why you did not get enough sleep last night.
I scroll through my Facebook feed, and I see some things in the news. A man, acting out, unable to contain himself, scolded a couple about interracial relationships. A woman, challenging a safety ambassador and refusing to wear a mask. Domestic helpers being abused by their employers and employers victimized by domestic helper theft. Not to justify what they all have said and done but I wonder what they experienced to act out like that. Again, what are their stories? What fears and hurts do they hold inside of them that triggered them to do such things? What are the stories of the vulnerable people too? How can they overcome being vulnerable?
I arrive at work and see my colleague. She is from a different country where I came from. We go about our day. Some moments are smooth, like we’re on the same page and wavelength. Some moments are rough, like there’s a push and pull motion or friction that can cause fire when you rub two twigs together. I suppose this is what happens when two people, no matter how different or similar they are, work together. There is bound to be moments when you agree and disagree. In both smooth and rough moments, I would still wonder about my colleague’s story. What makes us similar? Did we come from the same family background? Did we enjoy the same things when we were both growing up? Did we enter this profession for the same reason? Now, what makes us different? Do we communicate differently in our cultures? Do we hold different values? I’m a middle child and maybe you’re the eldest or youngest among the siblings. I hold these questions in my heart and wait for the opportunity to ask them from my colleague.
Are you pro or anti small talk?
When we encounter people, are we pro or anti small talk? Personally, I am anti small talk. I dig deep immediately because I like connection. I tend to overshare my story in the hopes that the other person can feel comfortable in sharing too. However, I do recognize that I kind of dig my own grave at times. When things don’t go as planned, the feeling is like social death, exposure and vulnerability.
Ask like a child.
I liked it better when we were younger. We asked questions incessantly without fear or judgment. Children have varying spontaneous questions. Some make you laugh and some just outright shocks you. I tried to recall children’s questions, which I have encountered before:
A 5-yr. old boy asked me, “Why do you have so many white hair?”
Taking my hand with eczema, a 3-yr. old boy asked me “Is it pain?”
Recalling a story my colleague told me, a 3-yr. old boy reminded her to do something and then the boy quickly added, “You forget ah?”
Recalling a story about my 2-yr. old nephew, when someone steps out of the house and says that he/she is buying something, upon coming back, he will really ask you what you bought and check where the item is. In this incident, a member of the household told him that he went out to buy food. When he came back without the food, translating what my nephew asked, he said something like, “Where’s the food? You don’t have money?”
One day, my 8-yr. old goddaughter called me all the way from the Manila, Philippines (I am currently based in Singapore). I was pleased and entertained by her company over the phone. She probably learned this from somebody, but it was just funny to hear her say, “Hi Tita (aunt). How are you? Are you lunching?”
Many times, I can identify with children. I like asking questions too. In one instance, in my pursuit to find out about a person whom I found so fascinating, I was told that I am inquisitive. I suppose that is what children are too when they fire away with their questions. When I pondered on that word, I started to look for its definition on the internet. Cambridge Dictionary defines it as, “wanting to discover as much as you can about things, sometimes in a way that annoys people”. It is synonymous to curiosity. Personally, I would go for the essence of the word. How I feel about the word is more like establishing connection. Of course, now that I’m older, I realize for both norm and practical reasons, there is a proper time and place to try and establish this connection. However, sometimes I just initiate and try it out like a child, especially when I feel a stirring within me. Here are some nice quotes I googled, which I resonate with:
“I have no special talents, I am only passionately curious.” -Albert Einstein
“Curiosity is the beginning of wisdom.” -Francoise Sagan
“Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton was the one to ask why.” -Bernard Baruch
“We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.” -Carl Sagan
“Everyone you will ever meet know something you don’t.” -Bill Nye
“An inquisitive mind is the only means of travelling from the world of expectations to reality.” -Siddharth Astir
Don’t ask that!
I find that it is deemed inappropriate when you ask questions right away. It’s like being nosy or like prying into someone else’s business. I suppose there really are annoying questions. I’ve been asked and asked them as well. We are all too familiar with these kinds of questions:
Did you gain weight? Did you lose weight
When are you getting married?
When are you going to have a baby?
How much are you making?
Wow, how much does that cost?
Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife?
Why is your child not yet doing this or that?
However, I feel there are questions that should be asked. These are questions that spark connection and by this, I don’t mean romantically only. I feel that this connection is the basic human need that we all desire. Who are you? I accept who you are even if I am afraid of our differences. I celebrate our similarities and hope to learn from our conflicts. As Pope Francis said in a documentary, “Differences scare us, because they make us grow”.
Ask the right questions.
I recently had a Zoom session with my family, and you know how it is when you just update about your life. You say, “I’m ok, how about you?”. Then you go into politics, neighbors’ affairs, old classmates, what you cooked for lunch, etc. The extroverted ones will have many things to share, and the introverted ones are quietly listening in the background. I suppose this is “normal”. However, because I mentioned that I find that I am inquisitive by nature, I just had to try something different with my family. Taking inspiration from a workshop on YouTube that relationship expert, Esther Perel conducted, I decided to ask a different kind of question. I asked my family, “What was your best prank?” Two hours passed and laughter filled those gallery boxes containing our faces in Zoom. I can’t remember us having that much fun getting to know each other and to think we have been family ever since!
What’s stopping us from asking the right questions?
For me, I have been burned one too many times from initiating to share parts of myself so I could make people feel comfortable sharing to me too. But like a stubborn child, I still do it when something moves me. I am an empath and so I am naturally like this but maybe for some, it needs a little practice. From there, I hope to ask my questions so I can get to know people better. I also like it when people genuinely ask about me and who I authentically am and pray they can accept me. Some people find this too intense and prefer not to engage in this kind of connection—or at least, not yet. Then, the adult in me will step back and give it time. There is also a hard acceptance that not everyone will want this connection. I guess my point is, the reward is worth it when you do strike up a real connection with someone despite the many embarrassing attempts before that.
What I like asking.
I think I’ve mentioned how I like to get to know people beyond surface level. When opportunity arises, I like to learn first and foremost how a person’s family is. Again, relationship expert, Esther Perel, mentioned in one of her podcast episodes, that we bring our “little selves” in our interactions with people. Family history says a lot about you and me.
How was it growing up with your siblings?
Who are you closest to?
What did your family like doing when you were young?
What is your birth order?
Did you have to work while you were studying in university?
Do you have any funny childhood memories?
There are some people who are comfortable enough to share their family tragedies and traumas. I would like to think that I’m the kind who can hold these kinds of conversations. I am aware that not everyone likes this. I suppose people can connect in many other ways and it is something that is felt and not forced.
Can we use this in writing?
I believe we can. Isn’t connection, whether human or with the world around us or even with ourselves, the source of all our experiences? And we want to read something we can all relate to. Not that we are going to write about what people tell us in confidence but merely the experience we had when we connected. And when we write about it, I feel it becomes another layer of connection—to the many other people who read your stuff.
In conclusion
More than the pandemic of COVID, there is even a bigger pandemic of loneliness out there. We need not be living all alone to be hungry for connection, touch, understanding, care, or love. I would like to think that we all hope that we can connect in some way with the immediate people around us, whether family, colleagues, friends, significant others, and community. Maybe the challenge is, the next time you see an actual person in your life, wherever that may be, reach out. Sometimes, you don’t even have to talk to connect. Maybe a smile (if possible) or looking someone in the eyes will do. And in the future if you happen to bump into me, go ahead, ask me…
Katrina Hidalgo is an aspiring positive Psychologist who loves journaling, coloring and taking loooong walks. She has been based in Singapore for 14 years as a Pre-school teacher.
Credits to:
3. The Anti-Small Talk Workshop – Letters from Esther Perel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gmtKRoGAlc
4. Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel on Spotify: In this Relationship What is “I” and What is “We”?
5. Pope Francis: A Man of His Word. Documentary by Wim Wenders
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